After the iron was invented I bet there was a press conference. >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> I was accused of being a plagiarist, their word not mine.. >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> After a talking sheepdog gets all the sheep in the pen, he reports back to the farmer: “All 40 accounted for.”“But I only have 36 sheep,” says the farmer.“I know,” says the sheepdog. “But I rounded them up.” >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> Hear about the new restaurant called Karma?There’s no menu—you get what you deserve. >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> Last night I reached for my liquid Viagra and accidentally swigged from a bottle of White Out. I woke this morning with a huge correction. >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> I'm reading a horror story in Braille. Something bad is about to happen... I can feel it.

Every single odd number has an “e” in it.

The truest example of Pavlovian conditioning is that every time you hear ‘Pavlov’ you automatically think of a dog.

I imagine what would happen if all the insects find out we are afraid of them

A Mexican magician tells the audience he is going to disappear on the count of 3. He says, “uno, dos..” and then POOF he disappeared without a tres.. >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> When the cannibal showed up late to his family meal, they gave him the cold shoulder. >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> There’s a fine line between the numerator and the denominator >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> Census Taker: 'How many children do you have?' Woman: 'Four.' Census Taker: 'May I have their names, please?' Woman: 'Eenie, Meenie, Minie and George.' Census Taker: 'Okay, that's fine. But may I ask why you named your fourth child George?' Woman: 'Because we didn't want any Moe.' >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> My math teacher called me average. How mean!

Fun fact: Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel while on his back cause once they’re on their shell a turtle can’t flip back over.

You don’t need a bra in space.

“I went to my doctor and told the receptionist that I felt like a deck of cards. She said, 'Have a seat, and the doctor will deal with you when he can.'” >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> Yesterday my fridge thought it was a microwave, so we got into a heated fight. But we’re cool now. >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> Impotence...Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings," >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> Shout out to the people that don’t know what the opposite of in is! >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> Have you heard about the origami store that opened a few months ago? It folded.

I saw a sign that said falling rocks, so I tried and it doesn’t.

A photon walks into a hotel with no luggage and goes to check in. The bellhop asks if he has any bags. The photon replies, “no sir; I’m traveling light.” >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> ->Groan alert<- Two cannibals meet one day. The first cannibal says, "You know, I just can't seem to get a tender Missionary. I've baked them, I've roasted them, I've stewed them, I've tried every sort of marinade. I just can't seem to get them tender."The second cannibal asks, "What kind of Missionary do you use?"The other replied, "You know, the ones that hang out at that place at the bend of the river. They have those brown cloaks with a rope around the waist and they're sort of bald on top with a funny ring of hair on their heads.""Ah, ah!" the second cannibal replies. "No wonder...those are friars!"