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 A Noise Canceling Toilet would be an awesome invention.

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Our little toe actually has a function. It exists a device to locate furniture in dark rooms.

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I'm not bragging or anything but I just completed that new 14 day diet in 27 minutes!

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If they made an alarm clock that sounded like a dog vomiting, no one would ever oversleep.

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Boobs are proof men can concentrate on two things at once.

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Technically, if you don't cut the cake and eat the whole thing, it's still just one piece of cake. 

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Certainly not everybody was Kung Fu fighting.

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There needs to be an alarm app where every time you snooze it, it donates a certain amount of money to a charity of your choice.

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Slugs could just be snails that have gone through a divorce. ‘Yep she got the house’.

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No sandwich will ever taste better than a grilled cheese cut diagonally made by your mother.

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No one has ever complained about a parachute not opening.

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Somewhere in an alternate universe a bunch of chickens are stuck at a lame wedding doing the ‘human dance’.

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Nothing sucks more than the moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong.

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Watching a child bounce a ball and thinking that they are easily amused is ok until you realize you’re watching a child, bouncing a ball and amused by it.

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TP'ing ("rolling") a tree is like decorating a pig with bacon.

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If life gives you melons, you may have dyslexia…

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The word “boob” is actually just a written representation of a woman’s breasts from the top, front, and side view.

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Smoking is one of those things that no one recommends, not even smokers.

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If you wear an invisibility cloak inside out, theoretically the world around you will disappear.

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“Under Pressure” is chocolate chip and “Ice Ice Baby” is oatmeal raisin.

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95% of all relationship problems could be avoided if you could rewind the last 10 seconds of what you just said, and try again.

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Taking a dog named Shark to the beach is a very bad idea.

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If I were West Virginia right now I'd be so embarrassed about what's going on in Virginia I'd start identifying as East Kentucky.

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You know, girls can tell when you look at their boobs. It doesn't matter how quickly you glance, 1 second is like 7 seconds in boob time.

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