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Let the groaners rip here.

 

They’re finally making a film about clocks. It’s about time.

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Was watching a movie last night about pirates. It was rated "AAARRRGGGHHH".

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When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on. :o

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I saw an ad offering a radio for $1, but the volume is stuck on high. I couldn't turn it down.

 

 

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A photon walks into a hotel with no luggage and goes to check in. The bellhop asks if he has any bags. The photon replies, “no sir; I’m traveling light.”
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->Groan alert<-

Two cannibals meet one day. The first cannibal says, "You know, I just can't seem to get a tender Missionary. I've baked them, I've roasted them, I've stewed them, I've tried every sort of marinade. I just can't seem to get them tender."

The second cannibal asks, "What kind of Missionary do you use?"

The other replied, "You know, the ones that hang out at that place at the bend of the river. They have those brown cloaks with a rope around the waist and they're sort of bald on top with a funny ring of hair on their heads."

"Ah, ah!" the second cannibal replies. "No wonder...those are friars!"

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I saw a sign that said falling rocks, so I tried and it doesn’t.
 

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“I went to my doctor and told the receptionist that I felt like a deck of cards. She said, 'Have a seat, and the doctor will deal with you when he can.'”
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Yesterday my fridge thought it was a microwave, so we got into a heated fight. But we’re cool now.
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Impotence...Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings,"

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Shout out to the people that don’t know what the opposite of in is!

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Have you heard about the origami store that opened a few months ago? It folded.

 

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A Mexican magician tells the audience he is going to disappear on the count of 3. He says, “uno, dos..” and then POOF he disappeared without a tres..
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When the cannibal showed up late to his family meal, they gave him the cold shoulder.

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There’s a fine line between the numerator and the denominator

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Census Taker: 'How many children do you have?'
Woman: 'Four.'
Census Taker: 'May I have their names, please?'
Woman: 'Eenie, Meenie, Minie and George.'
Census Taker: 'Okay, that's fine. But may I ask why you named your fourth child George?'
Woman: 'Because we didn't want any Moe.'

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My math teacher called me average. How mean!

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After the iron was invented I bet there was a press conference.

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I was accused of being a plagiarist, their word not mine..

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After a talking sheepdog gets all the sheep in the pen, he reports back to the farmer: “All 40 accounted for.”

“But I only have 36 sheep,” says the farmer.

“I know,” says the sheepdog. “But I rounded them up.”

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Hear about the new restaurant called Karma?

There’s no menu—you get what you deserve.

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Last night I reached for my liquid Viagra and accidentally swigged from a bottle of White Out. I woke this morning with a huge correction.

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I'm reading a horror story in Braille. Something bad is about to happen... I can feel it.

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Many years ago, a fisherman's wife blessed her husband with twin sons. They loved the children very much, but couldn't think of what to name their children. Finally, after several days, the fisherman said "Let's not decide on names right now. If we wait a little while, the names will simply occur to us".

After several weeks had passed, the fisherman and his wife noticed a peculiar fact. When left alone, one of the boys would also turn towards the sea, while the other boy would face inland. It didn't matter which way the parents positioned the children, the same child always faced the same direction. "Let's call the boys Towards and Away" suggested the fisherman. His wife agreed, and from that point on, the boys were simply known as Towards and Away.

The years passed and the lads grew tall and strong. The day came when the aging fisherman said to his sons "Boys, it is time that learned how to make a living from the sea". They provisioned their ship, said their goodbyes, and set sail for a three month voyage.

The three months passed quickly for the fisherman's wife, yet the ship had not returned. Another three months passed, and still no ship. Three whole years passed before the grieving woman saw a lone man walking towards her house. She recognized him as her husband. "My goodness! What has happened to my darling boys?" she cried.

The ragged fisherman began to tell his story: "We were just barely one whole day out to sea when Towards hooked into a great fish. Towards fought long and hard, but the fish was more than his equal. For a whole week they wrestled upon the waves without either of them letting up. Yet eventually the great fish started to win the battle, and Towards was pulled over the side of our ship. He was swallowed whole, and we never saw either of them again".

"Oh dear, that must have been terrible! What a huge fish that must have been!"

"Yes, it was, but you should have seen the one that got Away..."

 

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I had a neck brace fitted years ago and I haven't looked back since.

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My friends all say I'm a cheapskate. I'm not buying it.

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If you get an email telling you that you can catch swine flu from tins of ham then delete it. It's spam.

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What do you call a sleepwalking nun?

A roamin’ catholic

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I was hoping to study abroad, but she got a restraining order. 

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This picture speaks volumes

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