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One of the greatest things about working for ourselves in the vending business is that we will never have to worry about corporate policies such as this. Here is a humorous look at "company policy" :)



Dress Code:

1) You are advised to come to work dressed according to

your salary.

2) If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a

Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially

and therefore do not need a raise.

3) If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your

money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and

therefore you do not need a raise.

4) If you dress just right, you are right where you need

to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

Sick Days:

We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof

of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Personal Days:

Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year.

They are called Saturdays & Sundays.

Bereavement Leave:

This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing

you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every

effort should be made to have non-employees attend the

funeral arrangements in your place. In rare cases where

employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be

scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to

allow you to work through your lunch hour and

subsequently leave one hour early.

Bathroom Breaks:

Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet.

There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the

stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will

sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall

door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your

second offense, your picture will be posted on the

company bulletin board under the 'Chronic Offenders'

category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be

sectioned under the company's mental health policy.

Lunch Break:

* Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need

to eat more, so that they can look healthy.

* Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a

balanced meal to maintain their average figure.

* Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's

all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here

to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore,

all questions, comments, concerns, complaints,

frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations,

allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation

and input should be directed elsewhere.

The Management

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