Ramblings

[CajunCandy]

I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People get out of the way much faster now!*

*You can tell a lot about a woman's mood just by her hands. If she is holding a gun, she's probably angry.*

*Gone are the days when girls used to cook like their mothers. Now they drink like their fathers.*


*You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone? That's common sense leaving your body.*

*I don't like making plans for the day because then the word "premeditated" gets thrown around in the courtroom.*


*I didn't make it to the gym today. That makes five years in a row.*

*I decided to change calling the bathroom the John and renamed it the Jim. I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.

*Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven't met yet...*


*Old age is coming at a really bad time!*


*When I was a child I thought Nap Time was a punishment... now, as a grownup, it just feels like a small vacation!*


*The biggest lie I tell myself is... "I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it."*


*I don't have gray hair. I have "wisdom highlights." I'm just very wise.*

*Teach your daughter how to shoot, because a restraining order is just a piece of paper.*


*If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would've put them on my knees.*


*Why do I have to press one for English when you're just gonna transfer me to someone I can't understand anyway?*


*Of course I talk to myself. Sometimes I need expert advice.*


*At my age "Getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what I came in there for.*