Jump to content

Performa vending's post


Recommended Posts

Man, you are all over this site! You are helpful! You don't know all the answers, but you always say what you know...and your actually correct! Your usually the first to answer and help! Everything you say is nice! What fun is that? Lol

can you please do me a favor and say something crazy and give some bad advice so you can fit in? (like, yes, you should start out with 100 machines and charge it to your 25% credit card, thats a great idea!)

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Man, you are all over this site! You are helpful! You don't know all the answers, but you always say what you know...and your actually correct! Your usually the first to answer and help! Everything you say is nice! What fun is that? Lol

can you please do me a favor and say something crazy and give some bad advice so you can fit in? (like, yes, you should start out with 100 machines and charge it to your 25% credit card, thats a great idea!)

I'd be happy to oblige! ^_^

So, you're a new vendor, and you want to start the greatest vending business that has ever stood. You want to kick golpher and sell candy, and you are all out of candy. But, you're a rebel! You don't want to listen to some old goofs and idiot kids- what do they know? They're all using Beaver, Oak, Northwestern, Eagle, A&A, and other "quality" brands... who needs that noise! You don't ever do what everyone else is doing- you're going to do your own thing and rock the vending world on your own terms following the path of success that no one has ever achieved success on before, despite literally thousands of attempts to do so. You're the kind of vendor who demands flimsy, paper-like machines that collapse at the slightest breeze. You demand complicated, difficult machines that are impossible for you and the customer alike. You demand to be charged and overcharged by ridiculous and exorbitant prices! Well, good sir or madam, look no further, for I shall guide you down the path to almost certain (but epic and hilarious) vending business disaster!


You know what you want. You want to walk into your location, and every time be greeted by a piece of crumpled loose leaf duct taped across the front of your machine, with "OUT OF ORDER" scribbled on it in muddy sharpie. You want your machine to be delicate- like a flower, or a balloon full of paint. You want your machine to not just fail, but fail spectacularly and completely the moment you leave the location. But not just that, you need something inflexible. Why ever would a vendor want any versatility or flexibility on their route? The ability to quickly and efficiently change products pricing, and configurations? That's ridiculous, whoever would want such a thing? Now, you may be thinking of any number of plastic triples, cut-rate import machines, or even some 4-sided machines named for an illegal driving maneuver. However, those are all fine, reliable machines compared to the machine I have for you!


This gem of a machine (asbestos is "technically" a gem right?) is exactly what the modern vendor needs when they need a machine that does not, and will never work properly! This is the Seaga "classic" double- and it perfectly- almost miraculously- pairs up the worst features of a plastic triple with the worst features of a double machine with NONE of the positive elements! It's like the opposite of Christmas! The flimsy plastic coin mechanisms promise to jam on everything, or spill their candy to the first stir straw that a bored kid sticks into them, guaranteeing unending service calls and downtime. Plastic spring loaded chute covers detach with a gentle nudge for easy theft! Plastic hull scratches easily, and fades in the sun from white to an ugly yellowed beige (pictured) in no time! Barrel candy mechanisms makes sure that portion control is a difficult, painful mess that you will fight with at every service- while the large double bays hold all the extra candy that will inevitably expire when the machine is out of order so long. With only two compartments, you can offer less variety than your triple neighbors- everyone wins but you! Nice work vendor, you now own one of the worst vending machines ever to arrive in the United States of America!


Maybe the "flimsy" route isn't for you though. As you sit here reading this post with great ease, it infuriates you. "Why is everything so EASY these days!?!" you howl, banging your balled up fists onto your desk. "I demand a vending machine that is difficult for me to service, and impossible for the customer to figure out! I want watch the intellectuals of this world study my machines and sigh in frustrated futility of ever buying my products! When I go to work on my machines, I want a machine that is a labyrinth of twisted parts assembled like an M.C. Escher painting!" you scream. Be furious no more, I have a pair of machines so outlandishly complicated that neither you nor anyone will ever recover the products hidden within!


Behold: BITE-A-MINT! Forged from pure cheap plastic in 1993, this mint machine makes all other overly-complex mint machines look easy. It's ludicrous from every conceivable angle- check out the instructions!


So, on top of being unable to mount it to a stand, and being unable to really secure it beyond the goodness of society, and whatever pity you muster from prospective thieves, it's also hilariously complicated. A strange sliding coin mechanism, a bizarre turntable assembly- this thing should have rightly been an honor box, but lucky for you complex-vendor, it isn't! But what's that? This is just poorly designed, and not aggressively over-complicated? Very well, I had prayed this day would never come. Behold:


Doubtlessly constructed to confuse interplanetary beings, this wedding-cake shaped nightmare is called the "Vista Vend". It's a small-form snack machine that takes up more space, requires power, and has 10 steps to actually purchase an item... if you understand the process the way they described it. This horrifying thing lacks capacity almost as badly as it lacks common sense in it's design. Your customers will fume in anger, and you will too when you have to program all the prices using two buttons that control everything.


"But wait!" you say, pulling out your overstuffed wallet. "I have too much money, and it's a real burden to carry around! How do I get into vending while parting with as much of it as physically possible?" Why you have come to the right place- the internet is overflowing with overpriced merchants selling sub-par wares, but to find the true diamonds of overpriced garbage, you will need to go to eBay.


Though the machines may vary somewhat, you can always find a really, really bad deal on eBay. This machine is worth less than $50, but you can start the bidding at $800! Free shipping too, awesome! But it's not enough to just spend money, you want to actively LOSE money when you shop. You want the opposite of sales! Well, new vendor, you are in luck!


The vending industry has been making fun of Wizard Vending since I became a vendor- though probably earlier than that. Their consistent "anti-sales" on many products over the years all but guarantees that this is not some accident that their products often cost more than regular price. Just think, with a few clicks, you could be saving -$10.00 NOW!

(Seriously, here's a screenshot from 2011. This has been going on for awhile.)


So, you have your horrible vending machines, your complex nightmare-organs, your overpriced "R@R3 ANTIQUE LQQK!" machines, and now negative-savings products to go in them. You and your business can now march off on a road to almost certain financial ruin, endless headaches, and likely a total loss on your investment. Follow these tips, and you will, most certainly and absolutely fail.

Or, listen to the guys who are still in business, as they're still in the industry for a reason, and not just their dashing good looks mind you. ;D

Whatever you opt to do, good luck on your vending endeavors!

All media and materials posted are based entirely on the opinions of Performa, and shouldn't be taken seriously on those grounds. All media is intended for entertainment purposes only, and is not endorsed by the TVF, it's affiliates, or any vending business.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I loved your post Performa! Wow, the fact that those ads even existed shocks me. If you buy the colossal fruit and sell them all at 0.50 by the time you factor in shipping and the price increase, you lose $5 on every box lol. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites


This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

  • Create New...