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Diary of a New Texan


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Diary of a new Texan.

June 1st:

Just moved to Texas!

Now this is a state that knows how to live!!

Beautiful sunny days and warm balmy evenings.

What a place!

It is beautiful.

I've finally found my home.

I love it here.

June 14th:

Really heating up.

Got to 100 degrees today. Not a problem.

Live in an air-conditioned home, drive an air- conditioned car.

What a pleasure to see the sun everyday like this.

I'm turning into a sun worshipper.

June 30th:

Had the backyard landscaped with western plants today.

Lots of cactus and rocks.

What a breeze to maintain.

No more mowing the lawn for me.

Another scorcher today, but I love it here.

July 10th:

The temperature hasn't been below 100 all week.

How do people get used to this kind of heat?

At least it's kind of windy though.

But getting used to the heat is taking longer than I expected.

July 15th:

Fell asleep by the community pool.

Got 3rd degree burns over 60% of my body.

Missed 3 days of work.

What a dumb thing to do.

I learned my lesson though.

Got to respect the ol' sun in a climate like this.

July 20th:

I missed my cat, Lomita, sneaking into the car when I left this morning.

By the time I got to the hot car at noon,

Lomita had died and swollen up to the size of a shopping bag,

then popped like a water balloon.

The car now smells like Kibbles and Shits.

I learned my lesson though.

No more pets in this heat.

Good ol' Mr. Sun strikes again..

July 25th:

The wind sucks.

It feels like a giant freaking blow dryer!!

And it's hot as hell.

The home air-conditioner is on the fritz and the AC repairman charged $200

just to drive by and tell me he needed to order parts.

July 30th:

Been sleeping outside on the patio for 3 nights now.

$225,000 house and I can't even go inside.

Lomita is the lucky one.

Why did I ever come here?

August 1st:

It's 105 degrees.

Finally got the air-conditioner fixed today.

It cost $1500 and gets the temperature down to 85.

I hate this stupid state.

August 3rd:

If another wise guy cracks, 'Hot enough for you today?'

I'm going to strangle him...*+#@ heat.

By the time I get to work, the radiator is boiling over,

my clothes are soaking wet, and I smell like baked cat!!

August 5th:

Tried to run some errands after work. Wore shorts,

When I sat on the seats in the car, I thought my butt was on fire.

My skin melted to the seat.

I lost 2 layers of flesh and all the hair on the back of my legs and butt.

Now my car smells like burnt hair, fried butt and baked cat.

Aug 6th:

The weather report might as well be a *+#@ recording.

Hot and sunny...Hot and sunny...Hot and sunny...

And the weatherman says it might really warm up next week.

Doesn't it ever rain in this *+#@ state?

Water rationing has been on the last six weeks.

My $1,700 worth of cactus might just dry up and blow over.

Even the cactus can't live in this *+#@ heat.

August 8th:

Welcome to HELL!

Temperature got to 110 today. Cactus are dead.

Forgot to crack the window and blew the *+#@ windshield out of the car.

The installer came to fix it and guess what he asked me???

"Hot enough for you today?"

August 10th

My sister had to spend $1,500 to bail me out of jail.

Freaking Texas...

What kind of a sick demented idiot would want to live here??

Will write later to let you know how the trial goes...

Author Unknown ~

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What kind of a sick demented idiot would want to live here??

Good question. I'm going to be moving back to Ca in a few years. I might have a route or two to sell by then.

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People that have plenty of jobs and low taxes?

Really? I've been out of work more in TX than I've been out of work in CA, and I've only been in TX for 8 of my 48 years. If I'm going to be out of work, I'd rather be out of work in CA. I have kids that are out of school and looking for work. It's taking over a year to land anything. And even the ones that were had were retail sales jobs. Woot woot! So yeah, "plenty of jobs" out here. And its not like the economy hasn't touched us out here. You've all read from me how many business have shut down. I don't think the rate is any better than in other parts of the country.

Low taxes? Woopy Sh1t! So you don't pay AS MUCH in taxes, and maybe that's even debatable. But what are you going to do with all that extra money you save? Maybe it can go to the extra $ it will cost you at the grocery store. Instead of buying locally grown product, it's all shipped in from Mexico. It's all 3rd rate stuff and it costs about 2x what it costs in CA. A farmers market is the lamest thing you ever saw in TX. You backyard gardeners can't even grow anything nice out here because the soil is just clay. So those mental midgets that think TX should secede from the union better start thinking about where they're going to buy their food from, cuz it sure doesn't come from TX.

So again, what are you going to do with all that extra money that you are going to save from your taxes? Have more bar-b-ques? Watch more football on TV? How about using it to replace your lawn since it all died off in the drought? How about using it to pay for your electric bill because you have to run your A/C or your pool filter 24/7. Or replace your roof or your siding from the hurricane that comes through here every 3 years.

Maybe you can use that extra money to go experience the great outdoor resources that TX has to offer. Oh, wait! I forgot! What resources? Go swimming in the lakes? Sure, they are all brown and ugly and full of crocodiles, so you can take your chances there. Camping? Make sure you bring your RV cuz its too hot to tent camp. Go to the beach? Sure, you can do that if you like swimming in brown, hot bathtub water. Go up skiing in the mountains? Hard to do when there's no mountains and no snow. When was the last time any good concert or festival came anywhere near TX? Do you like wine tasting? Save up those tax dollars to travel to Napa. Where's Napa? Oh yeah, it's in CA. Maybe you can take in the acres and acres of scenery of the oil refineries that line the highway on the way to the beach.

Sure, you can go to a casino, but then, you have to travel outside of TX to LA do that. But then again, all there is that one big casino, and nothing else.

But Damn! TX has some mighty fine shopping malls!

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Really? I've been out of work more in TX than I've been out of work in CA, and I've only been in TX for 8 of my 48 years. If I'm going to be out of work, I'd rather be out of work in CA. I have kids that are out of school and looking for work. It's taking over a year to land anything. And even the ones that were had were retail sales jobs. Woot woot! So yeah, "plenty of jobs" out here. And its not like the economy hasn't touched us out here. You've all read from me how many business have shut down. I don't think the rate is any better than in other parts of the country.

Low taxes? Woopy Sh1t! So you don't pay AS MUCH in taxes, and maybe that's even debatable. But what are you going to do with all that extra money you save? Maybe it can go to the extra $ it will cost you at the grocery store. Instead of buying locally grown product, it's all shipped in from Mexico. It's all 3rd rate stuff and it costs about 2x what it costs in CA. A farmers market is the lamest thing you ever saw in TX. You backyard gardeners can't even grow anything nice out here because the soil is just clay. So those mental midgets that think TX should secede from the union better start thinking about where they're going to buy their food from, cuz it sure doesn't come from TX.

So again, what are you going to do with all that extra money that you are going to save from your taxes? Have more bar-b-ques? Watch more football on TV? How about using it to replace your lawn since it all died off in the drought? How about using it to pay for your electric bill because you have to run your A/C or your pool filter 24/7. Or replace your roof or your siding from the hurricane that comes through here every 3 years.

Maybe you can use that extra money to go experience the great outdoor resources that TX has to offer. Oh, wait! I forgot! What resources? Go swimming in the lakes? Sure, they are all brown and ugly and full of crocodiles, so you can take your chances there. Camping? Make sure you bring your RV cuz its too hot to tent camp. Go to the beach? Sure, you can do that if you like swimming in brown, hot bathtub water. Go up skiing in the mountains? Hard to do when there's no mountains and no snow. When was the last time any good concert or festival came anywhere near TX? Do you like wine tasting? Save up those tax dollars to travel to Napa. Where's Napa? Oh yeah, it's in CA. Maybe you can take in the acres and acres of scenery of the oil refineries that line the highway on the way to the beach.

Sure, you can go to a casino, but then, you have to travel outside of TX to LA do that. But then again, all there is that one big casino, and nothing else.

But Damn! TX has some mighty fine shopping malls!

Sounds like you don't like being in Texas.

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Really? I've been out of work more in TX than I've been out of work in CA, and I've only been in TX for 8 of my 48 years. If I'm going to be out of work, I'd rather be out of work in CA. I have kids that are out of school and looking for work. It's taking over a year to land anything. And even the ones that were had were retail sales jobs. Woot woot! So yeah, "plenty of jobs" out here. And its not like the economy hasn't touched us out here. You've all read from me how many business have shut down. I don't think the rate is any better than in other parts of the country.

Low taxes? Woopy Sh1t! So you don't pay AS MUCH in taxes, and maybe that's even debatable. But what are you going to do with all that extra money you save? Maybe it can go to the extra $ it will cost you at the grocery store. Instead of buying locally grown product, it's all shipped in from Mexico. It's all 3rd rate stuff and it costs about 2x what it costs in CA. A farmers market is the lamest thing you ever saw in TX. You backyard gardeners can't even grow anything nice out here because the soil is just clay. So those mental midgets that think TX should secede from the union better start thinking about where they're going to buy their food from, cuz it sure doesn't come from TX.

So again, what are you going to do with all that extra money that you are going to save from your taxes? Have more bar-b-ques? Watch more football on TV? How about using it to replace your lawn since it all died off in the drought? How about using it to pay for your electric bill because you have to run your A/C or your pool filter 24/7. Or replace your roof or your siding from the hurricane that comes through here every 3 years.

Maybe you can use that extra money to go experience the great outdoor resources that TX has to offer. Oh, wait! I forgot! What resources? Go swimming in the lakes? Sure, they are all brown and ugly and full of crocodiles, so you can take your chances there. Camping? Make sure you bring your RV cuz its too hot to tent camp. Go to the beach? Sure, you can do that if you like swimming in brown, hot bathtub water. Go up skiing in the mountains? Hard to do when there's no mountains and no snow. When was the last time any good concert or festival came anywhere near TX? Do you like wine tasting? Save up those tax dollars to travel to Napa. Where's Napa? Oh yeah, it's in CA. Maybe you can take in the acres and acres of scenery of the oil refineries that line the highway on the way to the beach.

Sure, you can go to a casino, but then, you have to travel outside of TX to LA do that. But then again, all there is that one big casino, and nothing else.

But Damn! TX has some mighty fine shopping malls!

California doesn't have anything sent in from Mexico?

Anywhere sucks without a job or income.

I saw a 14 footer gator at Willow Fork CC in Katy, TX. Scared the golpher out of me. Wasn't expecting it there in a residential area. It was a normal thing when I lived in Miami.

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